The house is dark because everyone's in bed, and, as appears to be the norm around here of late, I am the only one awake. I realize that it's slightly strange to update one's blog to pass the hours when sleep is being an evasive bastard, but alas, here I am. If, that is, I can remember the correct email address to send this post to.
Tomorrow I'm leaving. Leaving the familiar comfort of the South, leaving the area where I grew up and the faces that punctuated my daily existence. These places have been the setting for my story so far - they've been home to every turn my life has ever taken and every development it's ever put me through - but stories have to move on, and so does life... and so do I. So to the North with me! To York! Let me fly the nest and land on my very first voyage five hours upwards from here.
I must be crazy. Five whole hours? That's such a long way! That's 300ish miles. What if I don't like it? What if I want to come home? - These are the responses I've had from people upon learning where I've chosen to attend university, but as far as I'm concerned, being away from home is being away from home. There's still the effort of going to the station, buying a ticket, sitting on a train for a while; does it really make a difference whether it's one hour or five?
Not to me. So I thought, at least. But I haven't even left yet and I'm lying here unable to sleep, which has to say something about my emotional goings-on at this particular moment in time. I never thought it would feel like this. I never thought it would hit me this hard. I've always been the girl who doesn't show emotion; the girl who doesn't cry - but trust me, I feel it, and now, while I don't feel sad exactly, I feel overwhelmed by it all. I feel like there's something pressing down on me. There's been such a huge lead up to this that you'd think I'd have had a chance to get my head around it by now - and so I thought I had - but apparently, no matter how ever-present it is in your thoughts or how much preparation you do, you can never really leave your childhood behind without it hitting you right between the eyes. Oh, we're growing up all right, but that skin of childhood we're shedding wants to make its presence felt while it still can. That's why we doubt ourselves and our choices. Because the future is always right around the corner, and we are constantly being told that those who don't give it 100% probably aren't going to succeed.
Well, maybe that's true. But if you really love something, you give it 100% without even trying. You give it your everything because that's what you feel it deserves. The future is never secure, but I do believe we end up where we're meant to be - and all I have to do is think about the feeling I got when I stepped out of York train station back in April; the feeling I got when I saw it for the first time; the feeling of rightness, of 'yes, this is where I belong'. I think about how that feeling grew, about how York and its university offered no pins with which to puncture it - unlike the other four unis on my list. I think about how much trouble I had deciding on a uni in the first place and then how easy it was once I'd chosen York St John; how wonderful it will be to have fallen in love with a place and actually get to live there; and most of all, I think about that day in September 2009 when I sat in an English Language lesson and somewhere inside me, something seemed to click into place.
I don't doubt my choices, because all I have to do is think about all of that and I know everything is going to be okay. What I'm feeling is a combination of nerves, excitement, tiredness and irritation at not being able to sleep - and it's normal to feel all of that. Especially the nerves and excitement stuff.
This is a prime example of why I should not write in the night! I'm always that little bit more unhinged when it's dark and it feels like I am the only being on the planet. It's dangerous for me to have a phone with an internet connection really... who knows what could happen if any of my less-controlled moments got into the hands of the interweb?
Seriously though. And just because it's now twenty past one in the morning and there's a new, creepily accurate horoscope awaiting me courtesy of my DailyHoroscope app, I'm going to insert it here to finish this post, because it is... well, creepily accurate. Not that I believe in that stuff. It's just my guilty pleasure. Only when it's good though.
"When a woman becomes pregnant, she has nine months to get used to the idea. She can take that time to think about the kind of parent she wants to be. She can look into nutrition and other aspects of care. She can prepare a nursery. She can arrange for babysitters and pick out clothing and find a pediatrician. And yet, despite having that time to get ready, she will still make mistakes. Just because you're about to enter a new adventure with little warning does not mean you will make more mistakes than someone who's better prepared. Go forward with enthusiasm and a happy attitude, and you'll do much better than if you enter your journey with fear and apprehension."
Molly x
Tomorrow I'm leaving. Leaving the familiar comfort of the South, leaving the area where I grew up and the faces that punctuated my daily existence. These places have been the setting for my story so far - they've been home to every turn my life has ever taken and every development it's ever put me through - but stories have to move on, and so does life... and so do I. So to the North with me! To York! Let me fly the nest and land on my very first voyage five hours upwards from here.
I must be crazy. Five whole hours? That's such a long way! That's 300ish miles. What if I don't like it? What if I want to come home? - These are the responses I've had from people upon learning where I've chosen to attend university, but as far as I'm concerned, being away from home is being away from home. There's still the effort of going to the station, buying a ticket, sitting on a train for a while; does it really make a difference whether it's one hour or five?
Not to me. So I thought, at least. But I haven't even left yet and I'm lying here unable to sleep, which has to say something about my emotional goings-on at this particular moment in time. I never thought it would feel like this. I never thought it would hit me this hard. I've always been the girl who doesn't show emotion; the girl who doesn't cry - but trust me, I feel it, and now, while I don't feel sad exactly, I feel overwhelmed by it all. I feel like there's something pressing down on me. There's been such a huge lead up to this that you'd think I'd have had a chance to get my head around it by now - and so I thought I had - but apparently, no matter how ever-present it is in your thoughts or how much preparation you do, you can never really leave your childhood behind without it hitting you right between the eyes. Oh, we're growing up all right, but that skin of childhood we're shedding wants to make its presence felt while it still can. That's why we doubt ourselves and our choices. Because the future is always right around the corner, and we are constantly being told that those who don't give it 100% probably aren't going to succeed.
Well, maybe that's true. But if you really love something, you give it 100% without even trying. You give it your everything because that's what you feel it deserves. The future is never secure, but I do believe we end up where we're meant to be - and all I have to do is think about the feeling I got when I stepped out of York train station back in April; the feeling I got when I saw it for the first time; the feeling of rightness, of 'yes, this is where I belong'. I think about how that feeling grew, about how York and its university offered no pins with which to puncture it - unlike the other four unis on my list. I think about how much trouble I had deciding on a uni in the first place and then how easy it was once I'd chosen York St John; how wonderful it will be to have fallen in love with a place and actually get to live there; and most of all, I think about that day in September 2009 when I sat in an English Language lesson and somewhere inside me, something seemed to click into place.
I don't doubt my choices, because all I have to do is think about all of that and I know everything is going to be okay. What I'm feeling is a combination of nerves, excitement, tiredness and irritation at not being able to sleep - and it's normal to feel all of that. Especially the nerves and excitement stuff.
This is a prime example of why I should not write in the night! I'm always that little bit more unhinged when it's dark and it feels like I am the only being on the planet. It's dangerous for me to have a phone with an internet connection really... who knows what could happen if any of my less-controlled moments got into the hands of the interweb?
Seriously though. And just because it's now twenty past one in the morning and there's a new, creepily accurate horoscope awaiting me courtesy of my DailyHoroscope app, I'm going to insert it here to finish this post, because it is... well, creepily accurate. Not that I believe in that stuff. It's just my guilty pleasure. Only when it's good though.
"When a woman becomes pregnant, she has nine months to get used to the idea. She can take that time to think about the kind of parent she wants to be. She can look into nutrition and other aspects of care. She can prepare a nursery. She can arrange for babysitters and pick out clothing and find a pediatrician. And yet, despite having that time to get ready, she will still make mistakes. Just because you're about to enter a new adventure with little warning does not mean you will make more mistakes than someone who's better prepared. Go forward with enthusiasm and a happy attitude, and you'll do much better than if you enter your journey with fear and apprehension."
Molly x
1 comment:
Wow that was a scarily accurate horoscope. When I read on Twitter that you had a new blog post up I knew it would be deep and emotionally overwhelming to write. 5 hours away! I can't believe it. I want my Molly!!!!!!
I'm planning to write post today or tomorrow.
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