August 30th: When the past and the future collide

I spent today with two of my oldest friends, Becky and Zoe - one of the last days we'll spend together in the final two or three weeks before we all leave for uni - and it was one of those days where you can really feel yourself teetering somewhere between the future and the past. The three of us have spent the last seven years together (I've known Becky for eighteen years now, but Zoe only joined us when we were eleven) - and so we've all watched each other grow and change and fail and succeed many, many times.

We spent today lost in the past, submerged in memories and moments from our childhood, and yet we managed also to construct our ideal lives for at least the next ten years. We covered everything from our first days at school to having children of our own and the thing that made us able to do so is that, to date, we have gone through everything together. Now, that's starting to change. This is the biggest and most life-altering thing we've faced yet and really, the only one we've ever faced alone. It's easy to say that everyone's in the same boat, and that may be true, but at least before when we've all been in the same boat, we've all been sailing towards the same shoreline. Now my travelling companions and I head towards different islands, different parts of the country, and though we'll eventually reach land and find new people with whom to fill our boats, it won't be the same.

We are all going through this together, but ultimately, it's up to us to make it what we will, on our own. We have to take every opportunity we stumble across; make the most of the days which everyone insists are the best of our lives. Nearly two years ago I founded this blog for that exact purpose - so that I could record everything, good and bad, that came my way... so that I wouldn't let any little grains of sand slip through my fingers. Life has a habit of snatching away things that were once important and I am unwilling to let it. I don't want to forget these days, because if I ever forget how I grew into the person I am today and what was important to me, I can refer back to this. This blog is my own personal time capsule. The creation of myself.

In my opinion there are two types of people in the world: there are speakers, and then there are writers. I am a writer. Everything I think, everything I feel, pretty much everything I need to say but can't bring myself to admit aloud, I write down. I write when I'm sad because if I don't I can't describe why I'm sad; I write when I'm happy because if I try to talk all I can do is squeal; I write when I'm scared, or isolated, or embarrassed, or angry... when I am too weak to express my emotions to another human being I inflict them on my pen or my keyboard instead. Maybe that's why I'm saying all this over and over again on here, because right now I am terrified. I'm excited and happy and impatient and scared and nervous and a little bit lonely all at the same time but I'm riding on a high, and I'm just waiting for the moment on the 18th of September when I watch my parents drive away and I sit down in my new bedroom and look at all the students walking by outside and see my possessions in their alien surroundings and think, 'Now what?'.

What words of comfort can anybody offer when they feel the exact same way? Our boats are adrift at the moment and soon enough we'll run aground, but we're on tenterhooks trying not to crash. It's hard to say what will become of the plans we make and the friends we've always had, but it's impossible to predict the options we'll have and the people we'll meet in the future. It's easy to long for the security of the past but you can't live like that; imagine what you'd miss out on!

Maybe these boats of ours will get lost at sea but I highly doubt it; after all, we're built not to sink.

Molly x

August 18th: Developments in one sentence...

I got in!

August 17th: Pre-results ramblings...

It's half past five in the afternoon, and at the moment I'm lying in twenty-eight degree heat on the balcony of my hotel room under a cloudless sky in Fuerteventura, listening to the sea crashing onto the sand just a little further down the volcano I'm currently halfway up. I've been here for a week now and, as does tend to happen on holiday, I feel very detached from the real world. After all it is, quite literally, miles away, and it feels it.

And no, I didn't just start this post like that to make you all jealous. At least, that wasn't the main reason. (Those of you who don't already live in countries with similar climates, that is). It's just that being here makes it rather hard to believe that in less than twenty-four hours my life will have changed for good; no matter what happens, tomorrow is going to bring about a permanent change in my life and that of all seventeen and eighteen year olds in Britain (even if they're not currently in Britain). A Level results day is finally upon us...

Bollocks.

I know I'm not the only one who has, up until today, managed to successfully block the thought of results day from my mind. I mean, if there were a fly in the suncream, results day has to be a pretty big contender. It's very strange to think that come tomorrow, after all this time, all this preparation, exams, applications to this and that, and all the waiting for the last two months, I will finally know where I'm going in September. Will I get the grades? Will I be going to the uni I chose? Or will I - god forbid - fail miserably and be forced to use Clearing or postpone my life until I can reapply next year?

I ask these questions now relatively calmly - they're nothing new. They're questions I - and everybody else - have been asking of ourselves for months so there's no point in panicking now. The worst thing about it is that the exams finished two months ago, and instead of getting the results immediately, we have to endure two months of nothing-we-can-do-about-it-now worry - hence the earlier point about having oh-so-deliberately forgotten about it. In a way, it's actually a relief that it's finally here. At least we can get it out of the way. So, next time I write here, I'll know whether or not I'm going to university this year. Now that's a scary thought if I ever heard one.

I think it's safe to say I won't be getting any sleep tonight.

Besides, I'm sharing a room with my brother and he snores.

Molly x

August 9th: A very quick hello-goodbye

Well, bloglings, this is yet another post that I begin with no idea of what I'm going to say - so I'll warn you straight away not to expect too much. Tomorrow I'm off to Fuerteventura for two weeks, so not only will there not be any posts forthcoming during that time, there also may be an extremely long update upon my return (depending on whether or not I can be bothered. Those long posts - here I'm referring to July 21st 2010; go and look if you don't believe me - take FOREVER).

Still, I'm very much looking forward to the heat and the lazing around... not that I'm currently doing anything other than lazing around here at home, but there's so much more fun in lazing around when you've got a pool to laze beside and thirty degree heat to laze under. The only problem is that in nine days I will know whether or not I can live the future I've been planning for the last year or so; yes... results day looms. Annoying that I'll be on holiday when the results come out, but I'm hoping I won't need Clearing (the UCAS service for those who don't get the results they were expecting and need to apply elsewhere) or I'll be screwed. Still. Positive thinking!

Anyway, just a very quick update to let you all know why it's going to be a bit quiet here for the next couple of weeks - though to be honest you're probably used to my erratic posting schedule by now. I frequently leave it for weeks without any excuses. Whoops. Hope you all have a brilliant two weeks and I'll see you when I get back!

Molly x

August 2nd: August firsts

Firstly, I can not believe it's August already! Where does this year think it's going? Methinks it's getting a bit too cocky. We'll have to have a word with it, running orf like that.

I named this post 'August firsts' because it's only the second day and already I've done something I've never done before: taken my driving theory test. And not only that, but I passed it! First time, baby. Oh yes. Be jealous.

I don't really make a habit of getting the result I want first time around, so it's something of a novelty for me. HELL YES! I DID IT! WOOOOOP!

...And with that bit of smugness aside, I shall continue. I got a random comment asking me to do this and since I don't really use my Tumblr account, I thought I might as well do it here on the blog so those of my bloglings whom I don't know in real life can stalk me a little more. Don't say I never do anything for you.

I'd like to say I'm being as honest as possible... but we'll see.


Height: 
     Umm... about 165ish cm, I think. I haven't measured myself in ages and I've got no idea in feet so don't even go there.

Shoe size:
      6

Sexual orientation:
      Straight

Do you smoke?
      Nooooooooooo. Disgusting habit.

Do you drink?
      I do like to indulge in the odd alcoholic beverage from time to time.

Do you take drugs? 
      Yeah, loads. Cocaine, that type of thing.
       LOL JK I'm really quite boring... do painkillers count?

Age you get mistaken for: 
      Fifteen, normally. I apparently have a young-looking face and an old-sounding voice, so I can be a confusing little beastie. However, the age I was most recently mistaken for was twenty (but then again we were in a bar, it was dark, and he was a bit drunk).

Got any tattoos?
      Ew. No.

Want any tattoos?
      See above answer.

Got any piercings?
      One standard ear piercing on each ear.


Want any piercings?
      No more than that. I find them slightly chavvy if I'm perfectly honest.


Best friend:
      Cora, obviously, but also my lovely knobs Zoe, Becky, Charlotte and Lauren.


Relationship status:
      Single... always single... and (should I do a Becky?) ready to mingle!


Biggest turn ons:
      Ooooh. As I recently discovered, a guy who knows how to massage. (I also love it when people stroke my hair, etc - but not in a turn on way. Just in a kind of comforting way). I'm a bit limited when it comes to boy experience so I think this is all you're getting out of me for this question...


Biggest turn offs:
      Smoking. Tattoos. A lot of piercings. Tracksuits. Chavs, basically. Also aloof, couldn't care less, treat 'em mean kind of guys. If you treat me mean I will not stay keen, I will think you don't like me, lose my nerve and back off. I like it when people are open about how they feel and what they're thinking (which is a bit rich coming from me, but oh well).


Favourite movie:
      Argh! What a question! Erm... Twilight always makes me laugh simply because it's so bad - Vampires Suck takes the piss out of Twilight so that always amuses me too. Enchanted simply because it's full of private jokes between Zoe and I; Leap Year for the same reason but with Becky; Rent because it's awesome and about a million other films because seriously, how is it possible to answer a question like this?


I’ll love you if: 
     You're nice to me. I'm a friendly person so all you have to do is smile at me or talk to me and it's as simple as that. Or give me chocolate. Never fails.


Someone I miss: 
      Cora, of course.


Most traumatic experience:
      Not particularly traumatic in the scheme of things but there have been many of the type of experiences throughout my life to which adults refer as 'character building'.... which is all very well but less than fun when you're actually going through it. However, as regular readers of this blog will know, said experiences have built my character and widened my mind and, though I sometimes wish I could erase them, I can't help wondering what sort of person I would be had I never gone through them.


A fact about my personality:
     A fact about my personality? Here's one: I can't come up with a good fact about my personality which doesn't make me sound all depressed, so though I'm actually quite happy right now: I'm better at acting than I thought. I'm subtle. And I make a lot of cryptic comments, so unless you know me really well, it's not easy to see what I'm thinking.


What I hate most about myself:
    I'm a facilitator. I put my friends first. If they don't want to do something or they can't make something, I'll change for them, no problem. I don't mind doing this but at times I wonder whether, if I didn't change for them, they would ever bother to do the same for me.


What I love most about myself:
    I can find a way out of most situations.


What I want to be when I get older:
   I'm pretty sure you guys know this by now! If you've been reading this blog for a while and you still don't know... you have some serious attention span issues.


My relationship with my sibling(s):
    Freddie? He annoys the hell out of me sometimes but he's sweet and I do love him. I'll miss him a lot when I go to uni.


My relationship with my parents:
    I like to think our relationship is good. Like Freddie, they can annoy me, but I'm sure they find me equally annoying and we have some pretty good times too.


My idea of a perfect date:
    Something that shows me he knows me, so it doesn't have to be our first date. Something original that shows me he's really thought about it and wants me to know that he cares about me.


My biggest pet peeves:
    Grammar errors! No exception, guys! Learn how to write in your mother tongue please, before I come along and force it down your actual tongue.
    Also when people refuse to be at all open minded about things - people who just assume they're right because they can't be bothered to take other opinions into account.

A description of the girl/boy I like:
    Yeah... that watering hole is dry. (Not actually a metaphor; there's just a severe shortage of fanciable specimens in the immediate vicinity).


A description of the person I dislike the most:
    Don't really dislike anyone right now, so... nah.


A reason I’ve lied to a friend:
   Ah. An easy one. I've lied to a friend because I'm afraid of appearing weak or like I can't cope. A pretty human reaction, I think.


What I hate the most about school:
    School? The hierarchical clique system and the way you get 'punished' if being who you are means you don't conform to social expectations or 'norms'.
   College? Hmm... nothing, really.


What my last text message says:
    (To my driving instructor): "Passed it! :)"


Which words upset me the most:
    Words that refer to my own personal insecurities or shortcomings; words that imply I'm not trying hard enough, or that I'm making certain things up to get attention - which I would never do. I'm not the type.


Which words make me the best about myself:
    I'm not quite sure what this question means, but I've never been happier with myself than I am now. I think one reaches a stage where one has to accept that everyone is different, and everyone has talents and abilities of their own, and trying to emulate a talent that you don't share is only going to be depressing. Just focus on what you're good at, and you'll be happy.


A wish that I’ve made repeatedly at 11:11:
    I don't really do that. I wish on birthday cake candles and eyelashes and stars... and I don't wish for objects. Nice try though! If I tell you what I wish for, it won't come true.


What I find attractive in boys:
    I'm a sucker for dark, floppy hair but I find only a few guys can really pull it off. Dark eyes also. Darkness in general. (And no The Darkness jokes please... that's floppy hair a step too far).
    I like musicians. Every guy I've... ever, actually... been involved with or kissed or even just fancied has played a musical instrument of some kind. Usually the guitar, but that's just chance. I like a guy who can play something because I have a little dream that he and I can sing together.


Where I would like to live:
    Denmark. More specifically, Odense. I have never been anywhere more beautiful or fallen in love with anywhere so hard in my life.


One of my insecurities:
    That I'm not good enough for the life I want to live, or that I'll give up before I reach it. I have a tendency to give up.


My childhood career choice:
   Blanket maker (when I was four); professional Concorde flyer (not pilot, just someone who sat on it - I even had a 'Concorde fund' with the grand sum of about two quid in it. That one bit the dust long before Concorde did but now I'll never even get to fly on it); rollercoaster designer (chucked that one out when I realised how much maths was involved. Numbers never were my strong point).


My favorite ice cream:
    I am partial to a bit of chocolate, but I like toffee, mint and honeycomb too. Of course, no ice cream is complete without guf... shame I don't live in Denmark, really.


Who I wish I could be:
   Oliver Tompsett. Seriously. I'd go male if I could be him. Amazing voice, amazing looks... mmmm. If we're talking about admiring people, though, then (sad as it sounds) my fabulous English teacher Hannah. I genuinely admire her and if I could have even half her awesomeness, I'd be happy.


Where I want to be right now:
    Duh? Denmark. Obviously. Though I'm kind of boiling alive right now, so... in the sea in Denmark would be nice.


The last thing I ate:
    A Ferrero Rocher.


Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediately:
   Oli Tompsett.

Right?!

A random fact about anything:
     I'm currently listening to 'Too Little, Too Late' by JoJo, which reminds me of many happy hours in my room or Zoe's, dancing and singing, inventing harmonies, recording videos, having deep, philosophical conversations, talking about boys and generally living out the seven years we've known each other.

Also, I corrected the grammar of most of these questions.

Molly x