So you want to know what's 'up'?
I'll tell you what's 'up'. Nothing's 'up'. Nothing's 'wrong'. Oh, or do you mean the way you ignore me? The way I'm left out of everything you do because I've known you so long that you don't see me as a person anymore? Maybe the way you try to be so perfect, try to please everyone, and somehow I'm the one who's forgotten. Maybe the way the only people who've ever taken a romantic interest in me are freaks or perverts; that I'm left out of everything; the way life is moving busily, crazily on around me and I'm here, motionless, in the eye of the storm... my friends are paired off together, always together, always with their own best friends and though I wouldn't swap mine for the world, I wish she was here with me. My job is screwed up because they never want me to work and even when I do they send me home early - what, am I shit at it? Do they just not like me? Why don't people like me? As far as I can see I'm just a person, so how come in everyone else's eyes I constantly mess up? I can't get an A in English and I'm going to fail all my other subjects - bye bye uni. I'm bad at the things I'm supposedly good at - no wonder I'm crap at everything else. Life never works out for me the way it's supposed to. When I was young, I had such high hopes. I thought that by the time I was seventeen I'd have a boyfriend who I loved and who loved me, friends who actually wanted to be friends with me, good grades, active social life... you name it, and in my imaginary future I had it. I didn't realize then that growing up didn't make you better; just an older version of the same old loser you've always been. I thought that maybe I'd be pretty. That I'd have shaken off my pathetic addiction to chocolate and my constant debilitating habit of self doubt. I never allowed myself to hope that I'd be popular, and good thing, because - surprise surprise - that didn't happen either. The only thing I can really do is correct people's grammar, and that's just irritating.
How come everyone else can get a good job? Can have boyfriends? More than one, in most cases. How come everyone else manages to do and get everything they want out of life? How come she is so annoying and yet she gets him? How come I'm the only one, always, the odd one out? How come some people's lives never fall apart and others' do? How come life's not fair? Why do I think differently to other people and they're never quite on my wavelength? I've only ever met one person who understands exactly the way my mind works and she - and most other people - know who she is. I love her beyond words, and because this connection we have is so rare, people don't understand it. They think it's something different to what it is - and I honestly believe that if you've never shared this connection with a friend, you've never found real true friendship, then you can't begin to understand the levels of complete understanding and acceptance we have with one another. A true friend is, as once said by a very wise source, one soul dwelling in two bodies; and yes. It is. It's like when I didn't know her, there was something missing that I didn't even know I didn't have - but now I've found her there will be no separation - and I believe that it must have been meant to happen. The circumstances through which we met were too coincidental to be anything but fate.
They say fate has a plan for everyone, that you can't change destiny. They say what will be will be and that it'll happen when it's meant to. I just don't understand why it's taking so long for life to be fulfilled the way my child mind's eye saw it. I feel like I still am, and always will be, waiting for my life to begin... I'm not a go-getting person by nature but I'm starting to see now that maybe I have to be. It's just that I'm scared - my life is about to begin and I have no idea what to do or how to go about making myself happy.
I do believe in destiny, but I wish destiny would hurry up and believe in me.
Molly x
