I was pondering earlier on a rather increasingly pressing question; why is my brother so awesome and me such an epic fail of a person?
Let me explain. There is a band entitled the Light Years which comprises of 3 ex-Langtree students (and one random other guy). The ex-Langtree students now teach musical instruments at Langtree - Tony drums, George guitar and Chris piano - and Freddie, my brother, plays the drums (and the piano, though he learns that out of school). A while ago, the Light Years' friend, Josh something, was approached by the phone company T-Mobile, who asked him what he'd do with 1000 free texts. Josh replied that he'd create a superband, so he got the Light Years together, along with all their music students, and they filmed a nationwide TV advert for T-Mobile. So now Freddie is on TV, admittedly for only about two seconds (which can be a lot longer than you think) and the song in the advert is being released as a single in the charts. Now, Freddie has been informed that the Light Years, along with their superband, might be playing at Wembley Stadium along with the likes of Jedward (I know, I know) and Pixie Lott - not that I'm bothered about meeting either of them, but the kid is thirteen years old, and look at everything he's accomplished. He's also like a supernerd, grade four piano, and has a load of girls after him even though he's about the most annoying person ever to exist (and it's not just me, even my parents say he is). And he got all the looks from my parents.
Me? I've got 11 GCSEs, two crappy unpublished 200+ page stories and grade four singing. Whoop-dee-doo.
(Although I was only two marks off distinction, and it was my first music exam. Still).
To get back to Freddie, where was I when he went to London to film the advert? I was doing a Christmas concert at a tiny school fair with Octava, out of which I got nothing but being tired for work that evening. I wanted to go with Freddie, but I chose to go with Octava instead because I'm so damn loyal to everybody and I hate letting people down. Loyalty never gets you anywhere, I've found, because I forgot that most of the population of the world is willing to use you to get what they want and then ditch you at the last minute. I've spent my entire life being loyal and not letting people down, and where has it got me? Sixteen years old with nothing particularly special accomplished yet, very little confidence and having never had a proper boyfriend, whereas those who just move through life without looking back at the damage they're leaving in their wake are either super successful, super confident or super popular, or all three. It's so unfair. Those who are bitches shouldn't be rewarded for it; when does life ever come through for people like me?
Maybe it's a matter of morals. I do not want to be like the 'popular girls' from my year at Langtree. (Not so much anymore; there isn't such a social hierarchy at Henley, thank God.) I do not want to be a slut with no idea of right or wrong, I don't want to exist purely to bitch and take the piss, and I do not want to be like every other stupid person in the world, just following the crowd. More than that - I refuse to conform to the stereotype of 'teenager'... I will not let my age shape my personality. I will not change who I am just to fit in. I am me, and I only wish I had the confidence to believe in the person I know is hiding in me somewhere. I can do it when it's just me, but whenever something challenges me I shrink down and I hide and it frustrates me! I don't want people to see this ridiculous shadow of me, because I know that if I could only show them my true self they wouldn't think me so "quiet". I am not quiet!
I just want to come out of this shell I was forced into so long ago. I want to be somebody, do something instead of just plodding along through life. Still I get the feeling that if I want to do anything like performing, which I never even realized was an option for me until I discovered Wicked when I was in year ten, it's too late. To do something like that you need to be in stage school from a young age, and I'm not getting any younger. I feel like time is pressing down on me to make a decision and I'm not ready for this responsibility yet. I feel like I'm still in year eight, like I'm really still twelve and life is moving on, leaving me struggling to catch up. Even though I've been singing my entire life, I only did a talent show for the first time back in 2008. I left it so late, because I was scared of... what? What people would think? I don't know what I was - am - scared of, but I still have that fear. It's a fear of falling, of crashing - and if I say this it's going to sound like a line from a cheesy song - but I'm starting to learn that people who don't crash never live. The thing is, I'm feeling like I've already crashed too many times and I don't even remember living.
Anyway. I'm sorry about that... I don't quite know where all of that came from. Anyway I've got other stuff to tell you, so... moving on.
History exam. I believe that was the first thing on my list of what I haven't talked about yet. It went okay - I think I passed, since the pass mark is an E, but one never does know. I suppose I'll have to wait until March to find out. (Or February 26th, when our reports are being sent home. Yay... is it weird that I look forward to reports/exam results sometimes?)
Last week I went back to English straight after the history exam without eating anything first... bad idea. I get so much of an adrenaline rush in exams which involve a lot of writing that I am exhausted by the time I come out, and I usually have to eat chocolate or something afterwards but this time I just went straight back into English and I was so low on energy I was actually shaking. XD whoops. Methinks I won't do that again. Anyway so we're looking at style models in English, for our coursework, and we had to write an autobiographical piece, and Hannah made us write an embarrassing moment. (Actually I did a memorable moment, because I told Hannah my embarrassing moment in the lesson. After she told me two of hers, of course, which I won't write here as I think she might kill me if she ever finds out. xD) You can have mine, though: I went on a school trip to France in year eight, and after spending a lazy afternoon on the beach, we started packing up to go back to our youth hostel. I asked my tutor if it was okay for me to go as I was, i.e. wearing jeans and a bikini top, and she replied, looking worryingly amused, that I was popping out. My stupid slightly-too-small bikini had slipped, leaving one of my boobs on show to my entire year plus quite a few of my teachers. Now if that's not embarrassing I don't know what is. I know, why don't you leave a comment and tell me yours? ;)
Speaking of Hannah, she's been ill since Monday and today she was finally back. It is seriously quite funny how much we miss her when she's not there; that is how awesome she is. When we have to have a different teacher it's like NOOOOOO! (Whereas in any other lesson it's like "Thank God. Christmas has come early.") I don't know how I'll survive if I have a different English teacher next year. Anyway so I was loitering after the lesson today, as I do every lesson, and Becky had come into my classroom to find me/to be amused by Hannah. Hannah was reading Tom's embarrassing moment and went "Smooth", and Becky said "So that's why you say smooth!"
It's true. Hannah's words rub off on me. Actually, everybody's words rub off on me.
I said to Hannah "Yes! You make me say words!"
And Hannah replied "Yes... I'm an English teacher... that's what I do."
I was thinking, hilarious. Very witty. Not. But I said, very articulately, "Yeah, but you made me say innit. Even though I only say it to take the piss out of people who do say it."
"I say it ironically," was Hannah's response, and I replied, "Yeah. Me too."
I am just so good at expressing myself when I'm speaking. I think you may have gathered by now that I'm much better when I'm writing. It's a shame, that, since speech is such a necessary part of life.
Random point: my mother, who is very disappointed about my lack of mathematical ability, always says "Maths is everything!"
(She's not a maths nerd. She's just trying to emphasize how important maths is in today's world... which is considerably less important than in her day, since now one has a mobile phone with a calculator on it on one's person at most times.)
I always reply, "No, English is everything. That is what we speak every minute of the day, after all."
Funnily enough, she doesn't find that as argument-halting (for want of a better word) as I do. It's only because she can't spell.
(Just kidding, Mummy. Love you really.)
But she really can't spell.
Today I got a text from an unknown number which said "You look really nice today =) x x"
I was very intrigued. I lost all my numbers when my SIM corrupted and I changed my phone (oh yeah - I inherited my dad's old iPaq, which is awesome, but doesn't store any of my old numbers) so I wasn't sure who it was. I eventually found out it was Charly by comparing numbers with the ones on my other phone... but why would Charly text me something as random as that? I mean it's lovely to hear, but still. I could tell it was a female anyway; the writing style is just so feminine. I thought it might have been Lexi actually.
Speaking of Lexi, yesterday she told me that one of the (very hot) boys in our year had said to her "Molly is so fit." I found that hilarious, because let's face it: 'fit' is so not a word to be applied to me. I think Lexi might have been making that up, to be quite honest. She's one of those people who only talk to you/are nice to you when they want something and I'm not sure if I trust her or not. Still, nice to hear even if it was made up.
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It's now the 22nd of January and I'm in media, finishing off this post because I didn't get time to last night. There isn't all that much more I have to tell you, but just a few things:
I swear, there is something weird going on with me. XD Yesterday in English my heart suddenly started beating literally about five times faster than normal and I felt really dizzy. I really thought something was going to happen... I just asked Hannah if I could go to the loo and once I was out of the class I felt better, but I have never had to leave a class before because I've been so sure that something would happen. I am the let's-not-make-a-fuss-I'll-see-if-I-can-make-it-to-the-end-of-the-lesson type... not always a great way to be. I just don't like being the centre of attention if it's for embarrassing reasons. Or if I'm with people I don't like. Of course I don't like being ignored either. ;)
Anyway I have to go now, so I'll see you guys soon.
Molly x
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